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:: Monday, August 21, 2006 ::
I really am feeling very, very guilty now. I should be charged under Love's law, section 143, for abandoning my love on his own.
I'm sorry dear. I know how affected you are from my busy schedule. I haven't been a good lover. I haven't been spending enough time with you these few days, or should I say, 7 straight days. True, we meet every single day. Physically, yes. But emotionally? Are we there yet? I guess the answer is a definite No, that is why we are both feeling so sick with missing each other now. That's the only logical reason I can come up with..
Damn! I feel so bad..
No really, I'm just going to find another job.. The "normal people" working hours job. Not "abnormal people" shift jobs like mine. No, no.. I can't make do with shift jobs whilst having a commitment at the same time. A big NO!
I'm not the only one affected here. Abang is affected too, alot. He complained of not having enough of me these few days. Initially, I thought he might just get used to not having me around so often. But no, he couldn't. He needs me. That poor man. I felt so ached when I have to bear 8 hours in that cold room when I can just spend time with my man outside. And I felt so sad when I got to know that neither Abang was having much fun outside with his friends. I ached.
Tormented, should fit the way we are feeling now. Living in such turmoil. Us fighting our way through to stabilize this bond we are holding onto so tightly. We are warriors. Our enemy : Time.
Kill it, will never happen. Outdo it. We will.
Sooner or later, I know I have to leave. I know I need to leave. Give me more time, give me more patience.. And I'm certain everything will be back to normal.
I feel for you, sayang. I know how disturbing it is for you. You are left on your own. And I am there, miles away from you, answering to the calls of commitment. Abang has even developed a sense of weariness from all other activities that does not involves me. I worry for that. I feel so sad. Feel so sick of life. The man whom I love so much is hurting, and yet the antidote is not even in my power. I can't even do anything about it. I feel so useless now. But dear, I'll change it. I'll change the facts for the future. I'll change my entire world for you, and only you.. I promise you won't go through this again once I get another job.. I'm going to sacrifice.. I really am going to. Nothing's stopping that.
Please be patient dear.. And bear with me for awhile more. And I'm sure you will get what you and I have been wishing for all these times..
Time together.
And sayang, I would like to say this out again (eventhough I have sent it to you via sms). Nothing is going to change my love for you, despite the collision of our timetables. I'm still as faithful as I have always been. I still am loving you every second of my life, conscious or otherwise. Nothing has changed, dear. Nothing has changed.
Trust me. :)
It feels so good to let this all out. I have been cooping it up in a corner of my heart, hoping it'll go away soon but it didn't.. So all the better with this written confession.
Abang.. I love you. You know that I do. Stay with me, through the darkest of times. We know the dark clouds is hovering above us now. Lets fight through it and we'll see the sunlight soon.. It just takes time.
I love you.. So much..
@ 1:56 AM
